Awful Jokes

Anything you wanna say, say it!

Postby elko » Tue Nov 23, 2004 11:07 am

Ok, so I was going to put some hilarious jokes here, then realised I could only remember really bad ones. why not share some of your own favourite jokes?
Here goes...


A crocodile went in an off-license and asked for a can of beer.
"I'm not serving you" said the assistant.
"Why?" asked the crocodile.
"Because", the man said, "You're under 18"

A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Whats big, white and cant climb trees?
A fridge.

Why was the baby biscuit crying?
Because his mum had been a wafer so long.

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they are shellfish.



Maybe someone else actually knows some funny jokes <!--emo&:ph34r:-->Image<!--endemo-->
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Postby girl_afraid » Tue Nov 23, 2004 8:00 pm

OK, took me AGES to get the first one. I'm slow with jokes like that. This guy at college told me this REALLY baf joke the other day, it's just so stupid:

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
The holocaust.

Ha. Ha. Ha...
<a href='http://www.livejournal.com/users/fishnet_monkey/' target='_blank'>-click-</a>

I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving
England is mine, it owes me a living
But ask me why and I'll spit in your eye
Oh, ask me why and I'll spit in your eye
But we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore
No, we cannot cling to those dreams
Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body?
I dunno...
Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although I ended up with sore lips
It just wasn't like the old days anymore
No, it wasn't like those days
Am I still ill...?
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Postby Still Ill » Wed Nov 24, 2004 7:56 am

A rope walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "We don't serve ropes here."
The rope leaves and walks back into the bar a few minutes later.
Bartender says, "I said we don't serve ropes here."
The rope leaves, ties himself into a knot and fluffs the ends. He walks back into the bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that rope that was just in here?"
Rope says, "I'm a frayed knot."

I like the glass joke. Actually, it could be a proverb!
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Postby robhenson16@hotmail.com » Thu Nov 25, 2004 1:43 pm

ok,

what is E.T short for?....

because hes got little legs.
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Postby robhenson16@hotmail.com » Thu Nov 25, 2004 1:44 pm

ok,

what is E.T short for?....

because hes got little legs.
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Postby Mal_Adjusted » Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:33 pm

an elephant was walking past a camel and said 'it must be very embarassing to walk about with a pair of tits on your back..'
and the camel replied 'and a dick on your face..?'
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Postby girl_afraid » Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:42 pm

Hehehe, your joke was good, Noonan!

OK, this is actually quite a funny joke (I think anyway...):
These two mountaineers are on a hike when one of them collapses. The other one panics, and phones 999. "Hello? Yeah, I think my friend's dead, what should I do??", and the person on the end of the phone says "Well, first of all, make sure that he's actually dead." So the mountaineer goes away from the phone - a gunshot is heard, followed by a groan. The mountaineer comes back to the phone and says "OK, what do I do now?"

<!--emo&:lol:-->Image<!--endemo-->
Last edited by girl_afraid on Thu Nov 25, 2004 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
<a href='http://www.livejournal.com/users/fishnet_monkey/' target='_blank'>-click-</a>

I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving
England is mine, it owes me a living
But ask me why and I'll spit in your eye
Oh, ask me why and I'll spit in your eye
But we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore
No, we cannot cling to those dreams
Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body?
I dunno...
Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although I ended up with sore lips
It just wasn't like the old days anymore
No, it wasn't like those days
Am I still ill...?
girl_afraid
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Posts: 490
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 11:11 pm
Location: Southampton, England

Postby elko » Thu Nov 25, 2004 11:06 pm

Some good ones <!--emo&:lol:-->Image<!--endemo-->


How do you know when a drum stool is level?

The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth



(sorry <!--emo&:P-->Image<!--endemo--> )
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Postby elko » Sun Nov 28, 2004 8:51 pm

Hehe, I love drummer jokes!



What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?

With a drum machine you only need to punch the information in once.
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Postby elko » Sun Nov 28, 2004 11:24 pm

See the '3' key? And near the bottom left is a thing that looks a bit like an arrow. Very much like an arrow, in fact. Hold the arrow thingy, and press the 3 key. £££££, etc.

It's right next to the $ one <!--emo&:rolleyes:-->Image<!--endemo-->
Last edited by elko on Sun Nov 28, 2004 11:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Pashernate_Lover » Sun Nov 28, 2004 11:40 pm

How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!! har har!

How many brunettes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two very tiny ones!

Whats the difference between a brunette and a 747?
Not everyones been in a 747!
A note upon his desk
"P.S. Bring Me Home And Have Me!"
Leather elbows on a tweed coat
-Oh!-
Is THAT the best you can do ?
So came his reply :
"But on the desk is where I want you!"
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Postby elko » Mon Nov 29, 2004 12:16 am

Sorry, I didn't read your post properly.

You just love making up words don't you? Spangle? I've never seen that used as a noun before.

Anyway, I've got no clue whatsoever. £££ <!--emo&:P-->Image<!--endemo-->
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Postby girl_afraid » Mon Nov 29, 2004 8:23 pm

Noonan, about your pound dilemma, you could just try pressing every single punctuation mark key until you find it... What does your backslash key do?

(By the way, that sky joke is appalling.) <!--emo&;)-->Image<!--endemo-->
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I decree today that life is simply taking and not giving
England is mine, it owes me a living
But ask me why and I'll spit in your eye
Oh, ask me why and I'll spit in your eye
But we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore
No, we cannot cling to those dreams
Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body?
I dunno...
Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although I ended up with sore lips
It just wasn't like the old days anymore
No, it wasn't like those days
Am I still ill...?
girl_afraid
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Posts: 490
Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 11:11 pm
Location: Southampton, England

Postby elko » Thu Dec 02, 2004 7:46 pm

You'll have to stick to GBP then.

However, if you are really desperate for a pound sign:

Start>Programs>Accessories>Accessibility>On-Screen Keyboard...

Then press 'shft', and then the pound sign.

Could help if you only need to use it occasionally.
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Postby elko » Thu Dec 02, 2004 8:00 pm

<!--QuoteBegin-Noonan McKane+Dec 2 2004, 08:53 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Noonan McKane @ Dec 2 2004, 08:53 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> Oh well, I shant lose too much sleep over it, I'm sure. I usually just write 'quid', anyway, being an informal sort of chap. <!--QuoteEnd--> </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'> <!--QuoteEEnd-->
I might though.

I never knew writers called jobs 'gigs'.
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