Awful Jokes

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby rubygirl » Wed Feb 06, 2008 9:34 am

:D

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Boxguy » Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:41 pm

rubygirl wrote::D

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby rubygirl » Sun Feb 10, 2008 11:42 pm

he-he-he,
wonderful find, Ryan, I simply loved it! :D :D :D
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby helmoz » Sun Feb 17, 2008 8:32 pm

Classic press cuttings from BBC Radio 4's News Quiz:

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)

6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett's estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on Mr.Bennett's death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express)

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who , if left a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Cracked Pleasures » Sun Feb 17, 2008 10:34 pm

Finally the more men-friendly alternative to Valentine's Day has been created:

http://www.steakandbjday.com/ :D

Well, I am vegetarian so I will pass on that steak, and I don't really like BJ that much :( I'll go for Russian instead :twisted:
Keep it flaming your desire, always rising higher - Aim for stars and hit the sky
(Echo & The Bunnymen - Evergreen, 1996)

Capital punishment = murder

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Mon Feb 18, 2008 6:19 pm

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:30 pm

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.



So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.



A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.



He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days'. I jumped down and walked out of the office.



When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '... And where do you think you're going?'













She said,







'I'm going home too,







I can't work in the dark.'



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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Cracked Pleasures » Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:24 pm

What is an Australian kiss?



Answer: it's the same as a French kiss... but down under!



(or to use a filthy word for once: it's a cunnilingus)
Keep it flaming your desire, always rising higher - Aim for stars and hit the sky
(Echo & The Bunnymen - Evergreen, 1996)

Capital punishment = murder

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby rorschach » Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:11 am

Why did the Foal Cough?

Because he was a little horse
Freedom is the only way, yeah

http://www.pbfcomics.com/
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Cracked Pleasures » Thu Mar 27, 2008 5:09 pm

Not really a joke as these places really exist, but still funny enough: the USA's ugliest existing town names.

Intercourse, Pennsylvania
Boring, Oregon
Beaver Bottom, Kentucky
Booger Holler, Arkansas
Hellhole, Idaho
Maggie's Nipples, Wyoming
Pee Pee Township, Ohio
Big Ugly, WV (Supposedly true newspaper headline: "Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant")
Blue Ball, Pennsylvania
Big Bone Lick State Park - Kentucky
Embarrass, Minnesota
Tightwad, Missouri
Cleveland, Ohio (named after Moses Cleveland, who helped steal land from Native Americans)
Ding Dong, Texas



Wouldn't that be cool to have Hellhole as your location in your profile? :)



That said, the US also has a few nice names, such as a little town called Fidelity making a lot of money from stamping valentine's cards from around the world.
Keep it flaming your desire, always rising higher - Aim for stars and hit the sky
(Echo & The Bunnymen - Evergreen, 1996)

Capital punishment = murder

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Alex » Thu Mar 27, 2008 9:35 pm

Why are germans buried with their mouths closes?









It will spare about a cubic metre of sand
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Tue May 13, 2008 3:54 pm

When the logo doesn't turn out as we planned.... :P

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Tue Jun 10, 2008 3:04 pm

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-------------- -------------------------------- -------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby helmoz » Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:48 pm

lol, i love those logos! they remind me of the b3ta phallic logo awards... :lol:
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:41 pm

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.


One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.


Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.


'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.

'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.

'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walk ing down the ha ll like that.


Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.

'

'But, Nurse Tracy I cant,' replied Mr. Wallace.


'I told you yesterday that my Pr ivate Part died.



'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love th is ..)










Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.

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