Awful Jokes

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:41 am

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy" ,then turned to Mary and continued..."As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Tue Aug 12, 2008 3:39 pm

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order ' That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you wantor as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Pashernate_Lover » Thu Aug 21, 2008 2:49 pm

Ha! Brilliant! What a strange joke :)
A note upon his desk
"P.S. Bring Me Home And Have Me!"
Leather elbows on a tweed coat
-Oh!-
Is THAT the best you can do ?
So came his reply :
"But on the desk is where I want you!"
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby rubygirl » Sun Aug 31, 2008 10:00 pm

:D :mrgreen: :D

gad, that was so funny, I so it just now! :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Fri Sep 19, 2008 5:46 pm

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby rubygirl » Sun Sep 21, 2008 6:47 pm

:D :mrgreen: :D
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:50 pm

Two more jokes:

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got
disability, too'

:D :mrgreen: :D :mrgreen: :D :mrgreen:

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the
f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are
getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'. The
horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want
you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the
bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the
mother heard her son say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for
travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears
the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to
stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child
added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby helmoz » Sat Sep 27, 2008 6:45 pm

an old joke, but appropriate for these increasingly expensive times...

there are two little old ladies in a house: one is watching TV while the other is in another room.
the first one shouts to the one in the next room, "i see butter's gone up again!"
the second one asks, "are you watching the shopping channel?"
the first says, "no, last tango in paris."
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:59 am


A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.
'Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what
do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Coco Pops'
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby rubygirl » Wed Oct 01, 2008 9:04 pm

:D :mrgreen: :D
another ultra-funny one form Lori!
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:40 am

Ruby, you will love this one:

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:48 am

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
Wife's' arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
Appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his p***s into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
But Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
Compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once
That something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
My p***s into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.




'My God, Bill, what happened?'



'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby rubygirl » Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:44 pm

:D
thanks for the good laugh. i really wanted some as the Saturday night is slowly falling :)
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Mon Oct 06, 2008 6:58 pm

Cell phones - New Law (2008)

According to new law that goes into effect July 1, 2008 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a 'hands free' adapter.
I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.
These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity.
Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.
A photo is attached so scroll down & take a look and let me know if you want one.
Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!


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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Fri Oct 17, 2008 9:28 am

When the chefs get bored....
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