Awful Jokes

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Postby clarky » Sat Dec 08, 2007 10:43 pm

after the recent muslim incident sooty decided it was best to cancel his tour of jamica
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Postby Pashernate_Lover » Fri Dec 14, 2007 1:12 am

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony. (Come on, sound it out!)


(Jokes with swearing and other such NC17 content)

Two nuns were driving in a car when a vampire jumps on the hood, thepassenger nun tells the driver nun "Quick! Show him your cross!" and the driver nuns says "Get the fuck off my car!"



Did you hear about the man who went to the doctor to get the mole removed from his penis?
He never did one of them again!
A note upon his desk
"P.S. Bring Me Home And Have Me!"
Leather elbows on a tweed coat
-Oh!-
Is THAT the best you can do ?
So came his reply :
"But on the desk is where I want you!"
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Boxguy » Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:17 am

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Wed Jan 16, 2008 9:36 am

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple
of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars, and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you
out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Thu Jan 17, 2008 10:40 am

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's) MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" The widow said.
"Just look at you .. You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" She snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby rubygirl » Thu Jan 17, 2008 1:42 pm

:D

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Cracked Pleasures » Thu Jan 17, 2008 5:05 pm

Lorimoz wrote:A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's) MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" The widow said.
"Just look at you .. You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" She snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.


Argh :mrgreen: This reminds me of the Tenacious D movie "The pick of destiny" where Jack Black had to press an alarm button using his erect member :?
Keep it flaming your desire, always rising higher - Aim for stars and hit the sky
(Echo & The Bunnymen - Evergreen, 1996)

Capital punishment = murder

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Fri Jan 18, 2008 9:06 pm

A vicar kept chickens at his parish. One evening the cockerel went
missing. At the service the next day, the vicar asked: "Who has a cock?"

All the men got up.

"No, no. I mean who's seen a cock?"

All the women got up.

"You don't understand " said the vicar " who's seen a cock
that isn't theirs?"

Half the women, and quarter of the men got up.

"Oh for goodness sake ! Who's seen my cock?"

All the choirboys got up.
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Sun Jan 27, 2008 6:00 pm

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do.



What do you want for your second wish?"



Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said , "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.



Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years .

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"



Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful! , stunni ngly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...















"Bet you're sorry now that you had me castrated!!"


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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Cracked Pleasures » Mon Jan 28, 2008 3:50 am

Lorimoz wrote:A vicar kept chickens at his parish. One evening the cockerel went
missing. At the service the next day, the vicar asked: "Who has a cock?"

All the men got up.

"No, no. I mean who's seen a cock?"

All the women got up.

"You don't understand " said the vicar " who's seen a cock
that isn't theirs?"

Half the women, and quarter of the men got up.

"Oh for goodness sake ! Who's seen my cock?"

All the choirboys got up.




This is beyond hilarious :D When I was still in Belgium there were several priests arrested in a short time for having had sex with underaged boys working in the choir. Quite a scandal that was. I believe the London After Midnight song "Kiss" is also about child sex abuse within the Church, which would also explain the lyric "my soul is my loss, I am hung from your cross".

Well, maybe if the Church would decide to accept modern times and allow priests to get a wife ... But guess the current pope is as conservative as the last one, so better not hope for any progress soon.
Keep it flaming your desire, always rising higher - Aim for stars and hit the sky
(Echo & The Bunnymen - Evergreen, 1996)

Capital punishment = murder

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Pashernate_Lover » Tue Jan 29, 2008 3:15 am

I don't think the last Pope was all that conservative, as far as Popes go.
A note upon his desk
"P.S. Bring Me Home And Have Me!"
Leather elbows on a tweed coat
-Oh!-
Is THAT the best you can do ?
So came his reply :
"But on the desk is where I want you!"
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Cracked Pleasures » Tue Jan 29, 2008 5:51 pm

His condemning of condom use didn't really help in fighting overpopulation and HIV spreading in Africa... IMO the pope had blood on his hands that way. The new pope doesn't seem keen to really update the Church's worldly views.
Keep it flaming your desire, always rising higher - Aim for stars and hit the sky
(Echo & The Bunnymen - Evergreen, 1996)

Capital punishment = murder

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Thu Jan 31, 2008 5:03 pm

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"






(I just love this)

"Ralph, for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!"

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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby helmoz » Tue Feb 05, 2008 7:34 pm

i just got sent this joke:

I, Mr P.Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
Mr P. Niss

The Response:
Dear Mr P. Niss,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
Miss V Gina
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Re: Awful Jokes

Postby Lorimoz » Tue Feb 05, 2008 11:12 pm

A woman called a local hospital.

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients.
I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . "

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.
Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart
monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend !"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me a %*#@#**#* thing !
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