Awful Jokes

Anything you wanna say, say it!

Postby OrwellThatEndsWell » Wed Aug 08, 2007 10:48 pm

A traffic copper by the roadside sees a truck go by, and on the back are about 2 dozen penguins, bouncing and swaying all over the place. After chasing and stopping the truck, the copper asks the driver: "Do you realise you've got about 2 dozen penguins on the back of your truck, bouncing and swaying all over the place; and what a road safety hazard they represent?"
The driver says:"I know. I'm sorry about that. I'm taking them to the zoo."
The copper tells the driver to proceed with caution.
Next day, the copper sees the same truck go by, again with about 2 dozen penguins on the back. Stopping the driver, the copper asks: "Didn't you tell me yesterday that you were taking those penguins to the zoo?" The driver says: "I did! We had a lovely time. Today I'm taking them to the pictures."
I'll purse it, aye the highway is my hope. His heart's not great that fears a little rope!
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Postby rubygirl » Thu Aug 09, 2007 12:24 pm

:lol:

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

*******
Did you know there is a new website for muslim terrorists to get in touch with their old pals? It's at http://www.friends-reignited.com

***********

Why did Victoria Beckham Posh Spice stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'

What do you call a raver in the fridge?
Chillin...


A Spice Girl was asked if she would like to become a Jehovah's Witness "Hey", she protested, "I didn't even see the accident".

Why was Jessica Simpson so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle after 6 months? Because on the box it said: From 2 - 4 years
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Postby OrwellThatEndsWell » Sat Aug 11, 2007 10:00 pm

Catch the latest on the Glasgow Airport firebombers at:

<a href="http://cottagehospitalbulletin.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Cottage Hospital Bulletin</a>
I'll purse it, aye the highway is my hope. His heart's not great that fears a little rope!
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Postby rubygirl » Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:24 am

I did what you told me...
I sent all the emails to 10 people like you said.
I'm still waiting for that surprise & miracle to happen ..

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Postby Pashernate_Lover » Mon Aug 27, 2007 2:41 am

rubygirl wrote:I did what you told me...
I sent all the emails to 10 people like you said.
I'm still waiting for that surprise & miracle to happen ..

Image


Ha! So true :).
A note upon his desk
"P.S. Bring Me Home And Have Me!"
Leather elbows on a tweed coat
-Oh!-
Is THAT the best you can do ?
So came his reply :
"But on the desk is where I want you!"
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Postby helmoz » Thu Sep 13, 2007 3:54 pm

<a href="http://www.nerve.com/pickupedia/Nerdy.ashx" target="_blank">http://www.nerve.com/pickupedia/Nerdy.ashx</a>
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Postby Lorimoz » Thu Sep 20, 2007 6:59 pm

<!--sizeo:3--><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking
a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks
the same way.
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.


When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no,"
he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .


" The only thing is
...............

...............

..............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............


I just quit drinking!!! <!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->
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Postby rubygirl » Tue Oct 09, 2007 6:00 pm

The chicken and the hog were walking all day long, they got really hungry and decided, let's go eat somewhere.
So they went looking and there was a diner in the distance, as they approached, they saw the huge sign HAM&EGGS.
Both stood in silence for a while, then the chicken said, 'Let's come in, let's eat.'
'Oh', the hog replied, 'see,I am not going in, because all they want from you is a donation and from me they want total commitment.'
Last edited by rubygirl on Tue Oct 09, 2007 6:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby chicken » Mon Oct 15, 2007 11:37 pm

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Postby rubygirl » Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:56 pm

chicken wrote:Image

Oh, well... they never do... don't they?




:lol:
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Postby Boxguy » Thu Oct 18, 2007 12:36 pm

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Postby Truman Capote » Thu Oct 18, 2007 6:17 pm

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Postby Lorimoz » Mon Nov 05, 2007 5:36 pm

<!--sizeo:3--><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%"><!--/sizeo-->A man with a 25 inch long weenie goes to his doctor to complain that he

is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more
than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there
anything you can do for me?

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my weenie is
25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are
my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into
the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog
sitting on a log. This frog has magical powers. You must say to frog,
will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less
to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out
to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!"
The man looked down and suddenly his wee was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" However he realized it's
still too long at 20 inches, so he asked the frog to marry him again."
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his pants, looked down, and it was another
5 inches shorter.

The man laughed,"This is fantastic." He looked down again, 15 inches
long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster,
just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond
and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times
do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!<!--sizec--></span><!--/sizec-->
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Postby rubygirl » Thu Nov 08, 2007 11:13 pm

:lol: :lol: I've known this one for ages, but it always makes me laugh :D
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Postby helmoz » Thu Dec 06, 2007 2:06 am

If Tommy Cooper were still alive today:

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood". I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me".

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first". He went "Baah" and I went "Moo". He said "You're closest".

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road".

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar".
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring
it back tomorrow"
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