Strangeways

by **Miserable Liar** » Sat Apr 09, 2005 8:18 pm

Words walk on
Titter tat
Harsh words
Take it back
The damage is done
The tears are falling
Say your sorry
Mistrust is forming

Website · by **elko** » Sat Apr 09, 2005 8:24 pm

I quite like it.

Minor thing - 'your' should really be 'you're', or 'you are'. Although thinking about it, it does sort of make sense, like it is your sorry, as if the sorry was an actual thing. I don't know.

by **Miserable Liar** » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:06 pm

Oh yes, never noticed.
Thanks elko, glad you like it.
Should i work on it a little more and maybe expand it?

Website · by **elko** » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:25 pm

Th rhythm could be worked on I think, I would never be as uncooth as to offer suggestions, but some of the lines don't seem to fit in time when you read it. However, you might have a different approach to it.

by **Miserable Liar** » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:27 pm

ok, i see what you mean.

by **chicken** » Tue May 10, 2005 1:22 am

how does it read if you take out all of the "the"s?

in my mind, the more of those little words, the more you involve the mind and not the heart.

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