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Prose, poetry, music, art, it all goes in here! Showcase your creative talents.

Postby Miserable Liar » Sat Apr 09, 2005 8:18 pm

Words walk on
Titter tat
Harsh words
Take it back
The damage is done
The tears are falling
Say your sorry
Mistrust is forming
Last edited by Miserable Liar on Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
You're gonna kill me, is that your plan?
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Postby elko » Sat Apr 09, 2005 8:24 pm

I quite like it.

Minor thing - 'your' should really be 'you're', or 'you are'. Although thinking about it, it does sort of make sense, like it is your sorry, as if the sorry was an actual thing. I don't know.
Last edited by elko on Sat Apr 09, 2005 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Miserable Liar » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:06 pm

Oh yes, never noticed.
Thanks elko, glad you like it.
Should i work on it a little more and maybe expand it?
Last edited by Miserable Liar on Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
You're gonna kill me, is that your plan?
Miserable Liar
Smiths Nut!
 
Posts: 1705
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2004 10:43 pm
Location: Liverpool

Postby elko » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:25 pm

Th rhythm could be worked on I think, I would never be as uncooth as to offer suggestions, but some of the lines don't seem to fit in time when you read it. However, you might have a different approach to it.
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Postby Miserable Liar » Sat Apr 09, 2005 10:27 pm

ok, i see what you mean.
You're gonna kill me, is that your plan?
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Postby chicken » Tue May 10, 2005 1:22 am

how does it read if you take out all of the "the"s?

in my mind, the more of those little words, the more you involve the mind and not the heart.
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